Life is Bittersweet

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A Sound.

I heard my heartbeat today. One, two, three thumps resounding in my ears. Long ago I’ve learned to keep it under wraps. Keep calm so I’d never have to listen to it beat that hard again. At least when I’m not running for my life. Yes, I may not get as excited about things as other people. But the bright side, the very much needed bright side is my inevitable calmness. Without that, I’m a nervous wreak. I have enough trouble communicating as it is. I don’t need these sounds confusing me, distracting me further. I’d prefer it if emotions didn’t cloud my train of thoughts. And this sounds represents all the craziness that I’ve always tried to avoid. At least for now, it’s gone again. But I’m dreading the moment when it comes back. I hope to God it doesn’t anytime in the near future. 

And I hope these feelings and thoughts of loneliness would leave me alone again. 

A Light.

Been feeling better lately. Music helped, praying/God helped, and a few friends. Sometimes, I just need a distraction from myself. Because it just sucks thinking about myself when everything is so very gloomy. It’s like the negativity is amplied, and everything terrible about yourself is magnified. Every little imperfection. And I end up hating myself more for every mistake. 

Though, I still don’t think I’ve made a mistake in regards to my sister. But. There isn’t much I can do. She refuses to listen to me. I can’t listen to her anymore. Our relationship has essentially been downgraded. I could never speak to her about the things she speaks to me about. So. I suppose. This would bring the much needed balance into our conversations. Yeah, by ending most of it. I just… It’d be nice for her to actually listen to me sometimes. Other than that, I can’t really be bothered to give a fuck anymore. 

In other news of perpetual loneliness. Words by Ludo’s lead singer has helped. Just because he understand the sort of love I sometimes crave for. 

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=441100366181

Here’s the link to it. ^ 

The song itself is pretty horrific, as the title implies. But it’s sweet and devastating, with an air of desperation. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d25xlurNV0s&feature=related

The song. ^ 

And then there’s this little article on happiness. 

http://www.cracked.com/article_19376_5-scientific-reasons-your-idea-happiness-wrong.html

As for my friends, I don’t expect them to always be there when I’m down. Statistically, that’s going to happen eventually, whether I like it or not. And I’m okay with it. I will wallow in my own sorrow alone, if I must. Even if I may disappear one day, until then, I’m just gonna have to keep trying my best, even if it seems that everyone’s as far away as possible. And I’m stuck someplace dark and soul crushing. 

Just another vague rant.

My best is never enough. In everything I do, it’s never enough. I can’t make people happy. I can’t make myself happy. Why is it so difficult? Why can’t we just understand each other. 

Lately, I’m more afraid than ever. Everyone seems at a distance. I can’t catch them. I don’t know if I even want to. I can’t express myself properly. Not so that they can understand. It’s not enough. I wonder why I even try. But I don’t want to make the world a more horrible place to live. I always thought that, there was a reason for me to still exist. That, at the very least if I can’t find out the exact reason, I can make life a little less painful for people. But a part of me hates them so much. At the same time, it hurts. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? 

All I can see now is the distance. There’s a rift that will continue growing, whether I like it or not. Can I help it? I don’t even know. I can’t do everything. And I know, that I will not stand for bullshit answers. Or a fake relationship, not with anyone. I’m tired of that. 

I need to get away. I’m tired. I don’t believe, that this time, the problem is myself. Even if I hate myself, I don’t think it’s my fault this time. I was being myself. And that in itself, is a problem. It’s always been a problem. Maybe if I can get away from it all, I can find people who don’t think it’s a problem. Maybe I can learn to love myself. I hate how everything hinges on maybes. Why is there never anything definite? 

Oh. I guess. One day. I’ll disappear. 

I don’t even…

I don’t know. I haven’t felt so alone in such a long time. I mean really alone. Like there was no one I can really talk to. I feel like I can’t be myself sometimes. And even if I were to pretend to be someone else, it still wouldn’t be enough. Maybe I just fail at everything. Maybe I should keep drawing. And maybe I’ll forget about this. 

I guess I feel alienated. I can’t talk to some of the people closest to me. Either they’re too busy or I’m afraid to talk to them about feeling this way. It’s not that I’m afraid of what they’ll say. I’m afraid of what they won’t say. I hate reaching out to someone and finding that they don’t even give a shit. It hurts a lot more when I think that I could trust this person with … just fucking talking to me. Is there nothing you want to know about me anymore? Do we have nothing in common anymore? Do my questions bore you? Feels like I’m just… asking the same shit over and over again. I don’t know what to do. 

I wanna say that being alone isn’t so bad. That it’ll be okay. I know it will be. But it still hurts. It only hurts because I think I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But maybe it’s normal. Maybe other people feel like this even when they have the closest of friends and they can talk to them… and even when they — who am I kidding? ._.; I never feel this way when I have someone to really talk to. But I’m probably preventing myself from talking to people because I’m afraid they won’t have anything to say. I hate feeling so self-conscious about my efforts, and just hoping they’d just reply to something I said. Any part of it at all. I keep wondering if that’s too much to ask for. But maybe it is. I’m thinking about giving up. Because, at the very least. I can not feel so on the brink of everything. 

For once, this isn’t cheering me up much. Drinking didn’t either. Staying up for most of the night didn’t either. Drawing didn’t. Watching television didn’t, though it did distract me well enough. 

Maybe I’m still miffed about my parents leaving me here, even though I told my mother that I wanted to go with her to watch the fireworks. It’s like every promise she’s ever broken. I’m reminded of them now. I don’t even remember them specifically. I just remember the disappointment. There was so much. It’s not the worse thing in the world. Just doesn’t help the way I feel right now. Ugh, then … the whole thing with my grandmother. I hate it when every little terrible thing in my life comes back at me. It’s like a little loose string at the end of a knitted sweater. Pull it, and everything comes apart. My memories seem to be chained together like those threads. At least, for the most part, they don’t bother me so much anymore. 

I can’t help but think lately that I want someone to love. I don’t get why it’s so hard to love someone. I guess I fear too much. What if they find out I love them? Will they think I’m weird for loving them? Will they think I’m just some creeper? Will they look at me in disgust? ._. I’m a normal person. I think. Why is it so hard to remember me? Am I not loud enough? Is there something wrong with my personality? Is it my body? Maybe I’m just lacking in everything. And I fade into the background like a shadow. I’m only noticeable when I’m not supposed to be there. Can’t even have ninja powers that way. ._.

Guess I have to be more secure with myself. But when I start, it all unravels before my eyes. Maybe I need to take bigger steps. And throw caution to the winds. Because, after a while, I really do get sick and tired of things. Maybe I’m close to my breaking point. 

Festering

I feel like, there’s this lingering sorrow beneath everything. There’s absolutely no reason to feel sad, but it’s there. I can smile and laugh, sing even. Yet, still, it lingers. Like it’s waiting for a moment for me to stop to spill out. Sometimes I fear that if I stopped and thought about it, my moments of happiness would be spoiled. It’d be a stain on my carefree day. An ugly tear soaked stain. It’d be one of listless misery. The worst part about it is the not knowing what the fuck it’s about. It’s like my body has to stop and feel sad every once in a while, or it’ll break down and fall to pieces. Imagine that. You HAVE to break down or else you’ll break down. Lose/lose situation there.

Either way, I know I’ve gotta move on one way or another. A part of me refuses to give up, no matter how terrible everything gets. I’d want vengeance, glory, or just some closure. There were many times in my life when I wanted to give everything up and walk away. I’ve written about it a few times. More than a few times. Times when I only had to look out the window, catch sight of the blue sky and get such a longing, a yearning, to start walking and never look back. I’m not entirely sure if I just get bored or if I’m honestly dissatisfied with my life. Or with this world, even.

Every once in a while, everything seems hopeless. Like there’s no more light in this world. Like the blue skies don’t seem so blue anymore. And everything gets a little duller. Other times, a handful of sweet, sweet moments, it feels like the world is fucking amazing. Like everything is new and you’ve gotta explore it again, even if you’ve looked at something a thousand times before. Like it’s not the same this time. Just because. And when you do look, you see that it’s different. That somehow, that old thing, has become something full of wonder again. You’re fascinated. Captivated. And, you can’t help but smile. 

Maybe for a while afterwards, you’ll look back at that thing and keep smiling. But eventually, the feeling fades. You get used to it again. Everything goes back to normal. But, I guess. If we can remember that moment when things are just that awesome, maybe it’ll give us enough hope to move on. And y’know, live. 

Making an Effort

A slow brewing turn of events has left me feeling like I’ve been left in the dust. I don’t really know what to make of it. A part of me is happy for their apparent happiness, but another part is spitefully resentful. A few of my friends haven’t been talking to me. I don’t know what to do about it. I guess the only thing for me to do is keep trying. I know I give up too easily. And at this point, I’m entirely disheartened. I don’t know if they only speak to me when they have problems. Or is it, that they don’t need me anymore? Should I be happy over that? Over any of that? I don’t even know how to voice my feelings correctly anymore. I just. I don’t know. Did I have terrible friends? Am I a horrible judge of character? Ah, but. In the end. I guess. Maybe it’s for the best. People eventually grow apart. It’s still a shame when you’re the only one who seems to not want to. At least just not yet. Leaves me feeling lonely. Even though it’s not such a terrible thing. I can’t say I enjoy this feeling. 

Well, whatever happens to them. I wish them the best of luck, even if they continue to not speak to me. 

A Glimpse

That’s all stories are, aren’t they? We can’t follow a person for life. That’s the insane thing. I think that, if I could, I would. Not because I’m worried about what they’re doing or anything, but because I’d like watching them. I fall in love with these characters in these stories, so if I’m ever in love with anyone again, I feel that, that’s how it’ll end up. I’ll just be a supreme creeper. But if I did love them so, I’d probably actually want to have an awesome day of my own just so I can relay it to them. 

I guess I don’t really know. I don’t wanna bore them. Watching isn’t really enough when it comes to love. I’d want to make them smile too. Comfort them when they’re sad, or calm them when they’re mad. Y’know, just to be there. I’d try my best, even if I may fail. 

That’s probably why I’m sad when it comes to these stories. Especially the ones that are open-ended. It’s all up in the air. Who knows what’ll happen? We can’t predict the future anyhow. But, we can cherish the now, and we can move forward anyway. Be content with what we’ve seen of these stories or imagine for ourselves. That’s sometimes the author’s intent. 

Lately, I’ve been wanting to delve into deeper sorrows. It’s strange. I woke up with the strange feeling of loss one day. I think I had a unsettling dream. Or unsettling series of dreams. Or was it the thoughts that came after that gave me that feeling? Or was it the atmosphere of the morning? That morning felt like summer. I’m not sure why that would make me feel that way. But my thoughts were of ones that could have been. The useless ones. I held onto that feeling for as long as possible. It was a sad feeling, but it was peaceful. Painful and quiet. The strangest part was, I felt that if the world just froze, it wouldn’t be so bad. I hadn’t had such a peaceful morning in so long. It was hot and humid, and the sun was streaming in around the curtains. It was bright. I somehow felt alive. Life can be so bittersweet.

Maybe one day, I can meet someone who can give me this feeling. Whether friend, foe, or something more, I think I’ll gladly welcome them. Maybe we’ll learn something from each other. 

What is this?

I think I may have lost my ability to write a decent paragraph. Something inside me has died. With my luck, it’s another hardly developed passion. I really do hate getting so bored so quickly. It seems like, whatever I do, I’m destined to eventually hate it. I get sick of everything. I just wanna find out where I belong in life. But I don’t know if I have the patience it takes to go through everything meticulously.

There are times when I wanna give up, of course. Just give up on everything and everyone. There isn’t much of anything around anyway. And the people? I don’t really know what to make of them. Even if I happen to love them, it isn’t enough. I don’t know why it isn’t enough. We are people, who by nature, will always strive for something more than what we have. It’s probably what’s keeping us looking forward. We hope for a better tomorrow. But far too often we forget the things that need to be cherished. We should be thankful for them and not cast them behind.

But I wonder, what it’d be like to have nothing. Would I appreciate every little thing? Would every minute detail become a wondrous discovery? I don’t get why I can’t see the world like that when I’m the way I am now. If I can think of the idea, why is it so hard to execute it? Is it weird that I can see the objective, but not the road to it? It happens all the time with me. I just don’t get things. It’s like looking at a picture and seeing black spots where most people see colors. I know that there should be something there, but I’m unable to fill in the blanks. And worse of all, I’ve know idea on how to begin. It’s something that most people get. It’s funny how I’m considered, “bright,” yet have no idea how these things work.

I wonder if there’s someone out there that can understand what I’m talking about. Surely, there has to be at least one person out there amongst the billions. The odds seem pretty good, right? Maybe if I can find that one person, we can figure out this whole thing together. Or maybe I’m just feeling that ever hovering feeling of loneliness. I don’t know how to reach out to those around me. They seem so distant sometimes. Worse yet, I’m the one who’s always running away from social encounters. It gets really annoying. The words get stuck in my throat when I should be saying something important.

Guess I still need to figure out how to forgive myself. 

Valentine

“Will you do me the honor of being my Valentine?” I’d love to ask someone that one day and hopefully receive a positive answer. But I’m really getting ahead of myself with that thought.

It’s weird. You’re supposed to feel close to people on this day or feel a crushing loneliness. I felt both. Not at the same time, but …it wasn’t pleasant. I guess it’s old memories acting up. Being a romantic with a good memory sucks sometimes. You just end up remembering all the terrible things.

And the positive events? It somehow makes me sadder knowing that it’ll never be like that again. Not in this lifetime anyway. 

I think I made myself sad again; picking at old scars. I’m just so awkward. So socially inept. I don’t know how to get rejected without feeling like I’d been punched in the face. Not when it’s a friend. Not when it’s a stupid excuse. I really do hate confrontations. It feels like something has to be torn apart. And sometimes, it isn’t always a good thing. Beneath the veil of misunderstandings, there might not always be good intentions. 

I don’t like the raw emotion that stems from it. It makes me feel desperate. It makes me wanna hide from the world. And worse of all, it makes me wanna hurt everything around me. It feels like betrayal. Ah, this is so dramatic. I guess, every now and then, a little drama isn’t such a bad thing.